Babies

I have had two different babies on my heart lately. Their birthdays are almost a week apart and they are very very special to me.

Music has such a strong memory recall for me, everything from singing along to "Christmas Don't Be Late" by Alvin and the Chipmunks for the thirteenth time on the way to Grandma's house to watching my dad bliss out to 'Hey Jude' in high school. Music is how my family communicates with each other.

At work tonight, in my flu-y, allergy clotted stupor, The Scientist by Coldplay came on. I had to stop and marinate in the memory for a bit. It made me think of my sister's wee little, wonderful son who's watching over her. I wrote about my sister's pregnancy for my Creative NonFiction class and immersing myself in the breathtaking memory and heartbreaking story made his third birthday this year just a little more melancholy than usual.

And then today, literally the cutest, funniest toddler I know turned one today! Little Ansel Luke is Matt's godson and every time I see a picture of him or hear his mom tell a story about him, I burst out laughing. He has such personality, and so much of his parents in him. He has the cutest little expression, little curls in his brow when he's skeptical or a huge triangular mouth that smiles with glee as he pushes other kids at daycare out of the way for the water

table.

And then Matt and I went to Van over the weekend and went to a wicked, wonderful church that we love a lot. I am very moved by that church and I cry every time we go there. Obviously, the Lord reaches me there. They did a baby dedication on Sunday and I cried through the baby dedication! I have never cried through a baby dedication before...but I did this time. The pastor talked about how married couples are given a unique and intimate privilege to imitate God in the act of creation. That's what got me. I thought of Beau; I thought of Luke; I thought of the little one in my heart that will have my husband's long eyelashes and hopefully his gorgeous, fierce spirit. I thought about how breathtaking and simultaneously terrifying it will be to create life.

Easter is in two

and a half weeks! I LOVE Easter. Have I said this? More than Christmas. It is beautiful. I love this picture. I saw it on Flickr and I thought it was soo cool. I've only dyed eggs once for Easter and I thought it was no big whoop. But my cousin did drop his eggs in from standing height and after that there wasn't any dye left. Maybe that's why.

On another note: my wonderful, gorgeous best friend gets here in four days!!!! OmmmmmmmG! That is four sleeps.

Food Anxiety

Second day, second try of juice fasting.

I hate being cold. I hate how when you deprive yourself of solid food you get cold. But fasting has taken on a new meaning in my life. I remember when I deprived myself of food for too long in an effort to please myself and the impossible standards I had absorbed into my mind. It is still a standard, as consistently as I reason myself out of it and as irrational as I know it is, I still butt up against it on nearly a daily basis. I remember the shaky hands, the chills that swallowed up my fingers and the tip of my nose, the feelings that I'm experiencing right now.

But in this space, I am turning my gaze upwards, and into myself. It's not just a gaze that grazes the top of me and criticizes. It is one that permeates my heart, a heart that I have long mistreated, finding the weaknesses and sins within it and looking to the only authority of eternal meaning in my life. It is a reflection, an apology for what I have failed to do and what I don't want to do though I know it is good for me. I get the whole you take out food as nourishment in your life and replace it with nourishment from spending time in prayer and in the word. But this is my 'a-ha' moment where I realize that in doing this I am not supposed to forget my hunger or look to prayer to fill that sensation but I am only experiencing now how a bond with prayer and the word can put you so at peace that the peace you are experiencing becomes your purpose, and your focus. What I have said is convoluted but it's amazing how many times I have taken part in this and that this never occurred to me, it never made sense to me. Anyways, I am full of yummy bolthouse juice and I am loving my husband, who is doing it too. We're reading through The Purpose Driven Life because, I mean, I think we're the only Christians on the planet who haven't. But yesterdays entry was 'It's not about you'. He's very adamant that you only read one chapter a day and really think about it. At first, I was thinking, 'I won't end up thinking about it if I have a whole day'. But I actually have. In all of the aspects of our lives that we make it about us. At work, when I'm frustrated and I make the point about me being frustrated. Simple, little silly stuff like that.

"And now we're all here in God's presence, ready to listen to whatever the Master put in your heart to tell us."

Acts 10: 33

Oh yeah and I basically can't enter a grocery store without having an embolism anymore. Matt and I watched The Cove, which is about Dolphin treatment within the whaling industry and the treatment and 'harvest' of Dolphins for shows like SeaWorld and aquariums. It's...so gross. We watched Food Inc a couple of weeks ago and ever since I can't eat anything with corn in it...without thinking Monsanto is coming to get me! Skippy peanut butter is forever ruined for me. We also have this other rental called, Flow: For the Love of Water, which is about the global water crisis. I'm afraid to watch it because...I need water to live. It's making think about my food and grocery choices far more carefully but it's also making me paranoid about food. I have 'tin foil hat' tendencies within me anyway so to compound that with factual information (though undoubtedly biased of course) send me into a tail spin. We all need to be educated about stuff like that: where our food comes from, how it was grown, etc. And what it'll do to our bodies. Did you know your body can't fully digest corn because the chemical makeup of the corn is too close to that of a human cell? It's because our generation has 1% more corn in our genetics that our parents. Because it's in peanut butter, batteries, juice. It is fed to what feeds us. Where cows ever meant to eat corn. No! Waaaaaah! Here I go, down the bunny hole....

On a decidedly different note, I had a dream the other night that Matt and I lived in a neighborhood called Show Business. How fun is that?

Little Black Sandals

"Anyone belonging to the Way..."

Acts 9:1

I loooooove this.

Matt and I have this wonderful time at night, after everything has wound down, and we're laying in bed before we go to sleep. We'll read, or putz on our computers but once we are there, we stay there. This is my time in the Word too and there is something about the simultaneous-ness of these moments, my time with my love and my time hearing the words of my God, that always inspires me and leaves me sleeping happy.

In faith, we are not just adherents, we don't merely end up in the same place at the same time. We belong, we are kept, we are loved. And we are loved by The Way. "I am the way, the truth, and the light." This, I think, is part of why I'm a little exhausted by the North American model of church. It is for adherents, it is something you 'stick to', like a diet. Weird. To belong to the Way, is to belong a way of life, to a journey*. I want people to know that they matter to me, that I am invested in how they are really doing. And I want the same. And church is sooooo awkward!!

*I am a bit of a product of my upbringing when I use this word. The church I grew up in, for all it's faults, emphasized the importance of the journey. Anyhoo.

So as blogs slowly take over my life, I find that the ones I love totally nourish things in me that have been on my mind or bugging me. Matt and I have are seven months into our first year here and though we have had so much time to be just the two of us and to nurture our marriage which has been glorious, we are both finding it quite lonely. It's been hard to connect with quality people out here. It's a very transient city and so, consequently, it's hard to put down roots. But it has prompted really cool conversations between Matt and I about what we want for our life and marriage, and making decisions that benefit our marriage. I want, and need, to be pushed. I desire so much people, women, around me to talk and journey with. (Ther's that word again!) BohoGirl is a soulful and truly lovely woman and she writes such a cool thing on her blog here about once when her entire family was sick:

"You know...I am not sure I could have handled all of this at once if it wasn't for the few days I had spent with some extraordinary women. It was just such a huge confirmation to me how important it is for women to gather, to circle around one another. When all is aligned, it feels so effortless and grounding. So, I thank them for preparing me for the week ahead"

I am almost beside myself because my wonderful best friend is coming to visit me!! This year has been really good for illustrating to me my need for community. I have seriously hermit-ish tendencies and this year was definitely the year for the Lord prodding that out of me. And what's funny today is at the U, the last day of elections for the students' society was today. One of the platforms for the one party was 'creating community'. It is something we all rely on so heavily without realizing it but it is so easy to realize once it's gone.

Contains strawberry flavored pieces...

Wowowowowow, I serve a brilliant Jesus.

My mom and I have been emailing back and forth and she shared with me such a brilliant passage from her devotions. These words are a balm to a people pleaser's heart who is

misguided and held hostage in their own heart by the opinions of other people (and usually not the people the Lord has placed in your life to build you up).

"Self-disgust is lifeless and loveless." So often I get swallowed up by the dread and dissatisfaction in myself that I begin to dissect and nitpick at myself. I bring it all to God, so teary eyed and broken, feeling useless and forgettable. And then I realize when I talk to him

about it, I am his creation, he created me in his image, he carved me by hand. My sister often makes things for me, pottery, jewelry, clothing, and each time she does I marvel at not only her talent but that she made if for me. Would I ever hold it up in front of her and say, 'Yeah I guess it's nice. I'll take it. But I don't like the color or how this side doesn't match the other.' Never!

And not just out of politeness. I always prize it and put it out on display. God gave me a body that works flawlessly. A body that runs for miles everyday, that creates stories and dreams, that can breathe and get up out of bed all on it's own. He has blessed me with a vibrant life.

In giving up negative thoughts for Lent, I want to try and break the stronghold that it has over my life. I have failed many times already but so often, when I do catch myself, it sets a certain calm to choose to believe the best, or choose to see the best in myself. Instead of saying, 'I could have done better on this' or 'why didn't I do better', to say 'I did this really well' or

'I am absolutely capable of that', it begins to unravel something in me. It breaks down a cage around me, so I can see out a bit more. I have taken my own voice away, a voice that the Lord

so desperately wants to hear and hear confidence.

And it has my favorite verse in it! 'Keep your heart with all diligence..." Keep it, and not to just hide it away.

"May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face shine upon you." Keep is to treasure and to nurture. Above all else, guard you heart for from it flow the springs of life." Amen!

I am sitting staring at a cereal box that 'contains strawberries and strawberry flavored pieces'. I'm not sure how I feel about that. 'Contains' makes me think of a warning label and the 'flavored pieces' isn't much

of a selling point for me. But it's still in my cupboard so it worked well enough.

And I totally want to make this! It's an ottoman, and who doesn't love an ottoman, especially when it's crocheted. Really popular in Norway, go figure! There's a crocheted version too but I think the knitted one would be easiest. The image comes from Apartment Therapy which I am absolutely addicted to. I pretty much add it into conversations even when it's not appropriate. "'Your total comes to $4.14. Have you ever checked out Apartment Therapy?". Our Alice chair in our living room needs a crazy footstool to go with it. Can't you just see it?!