Second day, second try of juice fasting.
I hate being cold. I hate how when you deprive yourself of solid food you get cold. But fasting has taken on a new meaning in my life. I remember when I deprived myself of food for too long in an effort to please myself and the impossible standards I had absorbed into my mind. It is still a standard, as consistently as I reason myself out of it and as irrational as I know it is, I still butt up against it on nearly a daily basis. I remember the shaky hands, the chills that swallowed up my fingers and the tip of my nose, the feelings that I'm experiencing right now.
But in this space, I am turning my gaze upwards, and into myself. It's not just a gaze that grazes the top of me and criticizes. It is one that permeates my heart, a heart that I have long mistreated, finding the weaknesses and sins within it and looking to the only authority of eternal meaning in my life. It is a reflection, an apology for what I have failed to do and what I don't want to do though I know it is good for me. I get the whole you take out food as nourishment in your life and replace it with nourishment from spending time in prayer and in the word. But this is my 'a-ha' moment where I realize that in doing this I am not supposed to forget my hunger or look to prayer to fill that sensation but I am only experiencing now how a bond with prayer and the word can put you so at peace that the peace you are experiencing becomes your purpose, and your focus. What I have said is convoluted but it's amazing how many times I have taken part in this and that this never occurred to me, it never made sense to me. Anyways, I am full of yummy bolthouse juice and I am loving my husband, who is doing it too. We're reading through The Purpose Driven Life because, I mean, I think we're the only Christians on the planet who haven't. But yesterdays entry was 'It's not about you'. He's very adamant that you only read one chapter a day and really think about it. At first, I was thinking, 'I won't end up thinking about it if I have a whole day'. But I actually have. In all of the aspects of our lives that we make it about us. At work, when I'm frustrated and I make the point about me being frustrated. Simple, little silly stuff like that.
Acts 10: 33
Oh yeah and I basically can't enter a grocery store without having an embolism anymore. Matt and I watched The Cove, which is about Dolphin treatment within the whaling industry and the treatment and 'harvest' of Dolphins for shows like SeaWorld and aquariums. It's...so gross. We watched Food Inc a couple of weeks ago and ever since I can't eat anything with corn in it...without thinking Monsanto is coming to get me! Skippy peanut butter is forever ruined for me. We also have this other rental called, Flow: For the Love of Water, which is about the global water crisis. I'm afraid to watch it because...I need water to live. It's making think about my food and grocery choices far more carefully but it's also making me paranoid about food. I have 'tin foil hat' tendencies within me anyway so to compound that with factual information (though undoubtedly biased of course) send me into a tail spin. We all need to be educated about stuff like that: where our food comes from, how it was grown, etc. And what it'll do to our bodies. Did you know your body can't fully digest corn because the chemical makeup of the corn is too close to that of a human cell? It's because our generation has 1% more corn in our genetics that our parents. Because it's in peanut butter, batteries, juice. It is fed to what feeds us. Where cows ever meant to eat corn. No! Waaaaaah! Here I go, down the bunny hole....
On a decidedly different note, I had a dream the other night that Matt and I lived in a neighborhood called Show Business. How fun is that?
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