Deep breath.
So recently I mentioned working through some hefty considerations and those considerations have given birth to some serious changes. Remember when I was a neurotic stress case about getting into my program at the Yoob? And then I did I said, "Victory"? I have spent the past four months feeling lost in the middle of it and feeling like I didn't bring my ball of string with me. Moozh went through serious self-reflection and making a really hard decisions, all the while I spent that time convincing myself that I wanted to be in my program. I don't think I've ever really given it the depth here that I feel for it but writing for me is such an emotional conviction. It has been my rescue for as long as I can remember. When I was stressed out as a kid, as young as first grade, it was how I dealt with stress. I could either develop multiple personalities or I could write. *I've always chosen the latter, just in case you're wondering.* So I faced into so many emotional road blocks when it came to actually thinking through my program, which Moozh totally had to do too. I felt somehow that saying I didn't want to do my program meant I wasn't a writer and I didn't believe that, I did't have the strength to swallow that.
But as I prayed about it, and as Moozh and I worked through it, I realized that I never wanted to leave writing behind and
Realizing that, while it seriously pains me to admit this, I"m not Virginia Woolf and I can't write ten hours a day, seven days a week. (Something makes me think Virginia Woolf couldn't either. Walking into a river with rocks in your pocket doesn't seem optimal.) I know that there are people out there that can write ad infinitum and I really admire them. But it's okay for me to not be that way, even though I say that through gritted teeth. I was in the program of my dreams and wondering why I couldn't get away from the feeling that it wasn't what I wanted. Made me feel guilty about all the people that supported me and prayed for me through the portfolio process and all of the incredible writers I know who didn't get in.
So this past Wednesday, when everyone else was catching a bus or grabbing a coffee, crunching through the leaves walking to class, I was sitting at home in my pyjamas, printing off resumes. I got from texts from awesome friends who remembered that I was supposed to be in their classes and I think all of my texts started off with "Oh yeah sooooooo…"
But none of this was made in a void. As we worked through what I wasn't going to do, we waded through what I WAS going to do. We thought about what made me excited to do as a JOB. I could get my degree in Creative Writing and wait tables once I'm done to facilitate me writing. OR I could get my education in something I like that facilitates my writing. When I live in my head too long, I get internal. I become morbidly introspective, self-critical, aloof. I know for myself that I need B-A-L-A-N-C-E. I need something that pulls me out of my imaginary world where I talk to people that aren't real into a world where I am reminded of my husband, my life, my friends, my responsibilities, my other passions. I don't' want to be the kind of mom that is so aloof that her kids know she's not a place they can bring anything important. That sucks. This process has been an exercise in courage. I tend to hedge my bets. "If this doesn't work, it's not going to be hard or embarrassing or shocking because I have all of THESE things in place." Life is not meant to be lived like that and we were never called to live a life seeking security.
So we thought about the things that I do when I get home: look at food blogs, read cookbooks like novels, bake bread, make jam. I thought about when I have to get a summer job or a job that I can do during school, I never look for a job at magazine or a newspaper. Because it freakin' stresses me out! I got to bakeries and cafes. I want to make things that make people feel good. I volunteer on farms.
So y'all, I'm going to bakery school. In January. Same place as Moozh. We gon' be Ma and Pa. I get to learn how to make wedding cakes! And chocolate! And profiteroles! And a whole bunch of stuff I can't even pronounce. I'm going to learn how to make the best bread you've ever had in your life. And I will find a way to share it with you over the 'inter web'. (I'll stuff it through my screen and it will pop out your USB drive.)
This all makes me want to wade into the ocean and watch the sun rise, ealize the autonomy of the world, how choices that I think are going to make me unhappy don't change the world, don't change the ticking and chugging of my life. It's like that Donald Miller quote, the beauty of the story means I matter. I can create, I can step out in courage, I can question, as the world was created for me to be in it.
My Moozh has been my exhale in a serious way. This process is one of those examples I will use when someone asks me what is so amazing about marriage. It's someone who loves you, someone you love, someone to talk you off a ledge, someone to call you to better living. But more than that, it's someone that when you feel small in the face of eternity and in the face of the the world, you have someone who as my bestie would say "holds you in the warmth of the night and thanks God for you". Someone who looks at the same future you do, a future like a three-legged race, and says in the middle of the craziness and uncertainty, "Let's do this". And that moment, when you've totally fallen on your ass, they are there to help carry you through it (or drag your across the finish line and give you road rash on your back -the metaphor doesn't really work here but you get the gist). I had parents that showed me it is never too late to make a course correction and it has been a blessing to me. I want to be a model of the same. Course correction is hard and totally scary because it amalgamates emotions and ambitions and uncertainties and ties them into a huge monster you have to have the courage to cut down to size.
So if you see me walking around in the New Year in a white suit with my name on it, no I'm not doing probation. I'm in baking school! And if you don't see me at the Yoob, don't be mad that I don't have to stand in line for a upass every month. I have to buy a real pass :(
In so many words, next time you come to my house, you should bring a trophy with you or something because we're gonna kick the ass off of any hospitality you've ever had in your life. That's not really a joke.
Totally going to start a baking blog. Probs going to name it "You Can't Trust a Skinny Baker". Trust.
As of right now, I'm working at a little gluten-free, vegan bakery which is super cute and really chill. I'm not sure to what degree my program will deal with baking for those kind of alternative diets. Let me tell you, I am SHOCKED how much corn starch is in gluten-free baking. I want to see if I can find something at a bread bakery, where I can learn from different perspectives how people make bread. I'm gonna get so fat. Security in marriage, I'm tellin' ya.
Psalm 37:4
"Abide in me and I will give you the desires of your heart." Beaut.
P.S ~ I have to figure out how to learn Russian from here on out ON MY OWN. Guess who is always going to sound foreign?
P.P.S ~ Watched the movie "Morning Glory" which I didn't actually want to see initially because it didn't look interesting but Moozh has a crush on Rachel McAdams. She's super cute in the movie and actually redeemed it a little bit for me. But most of all the movie had a great soundtrack. Newton Faulkner, Corrine Bailey Rae and The Weepies. I freakin' LOVE THE WEEPIES. And this song kind of makes me 'weepy' (no seriously awesome right?!) but it's super relevant to my mind right now.
"Well I ask, doesn't anything stay the same.
No, No, No
Just same changes."
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